It’s Football you Dummies

It had come to my notice far away in the land of elephants, snake charmers and your jobs that Tony Pulis wanted a short training session involving only himself and his club captain to learn the difference between football and what the Americans think is football before their match with us.

Tony Pulis and Martin O'Neill Laughing

Tony Pulis shares a joke with our editor

Shortly after that news broke out, David Beckham mysteriously disappeared overnight hearing about this session.

Rumour mills have been defying the gloomy economy to spin out info exclusively to yours satirically that John Terry was involved *hint hint* in shipping him to France Victori(a/ously) but more on that later.

Thankfully, after Aaron Ramsey threatened to file a restraining order on even the Potter’s mascot & repeated pleas of innocence from Ryan Shawcross to his mother, sanity prevailed and Arsène Wenger decided to take them first to a local school ground, with Ramsey safely covered in cotton wool (thanks to those defunct mills up in Manchester I guess, the city side).

I decided to make the trip because, let’s face it, I had to see this! There they decided Shawcross will take lessons from the some random American football player.

Here’s what happened. P.S. – Ramsey refereed.

Wenger : So Tony, good morning.

Pulis : Your players are surrounding the referee!

Wenger : Yes Tony, it’s called kickoff.

Pulis : Oi!! No one told me you were allowed to kickoff *signals Shawcross, goading him to go studs up*

Wenger : *signals to Ramsey to get the hell outta the way*

*CRUNCH* Shawcross had the ball and the American football guy did something like one of these

Wenger : And that, Tony, is a foul.

Ramsey : Play on….

Pulis : You #$#Q$%(@#@!

Ramsey : Pulis, You’re off to th sta..errr….car park!.

Shawcross (groggily) : Mama, can we please go back to the store? I really like Ken.

AmericanFootballGuy : now what?

Wenger : That’ll do pig, that’ll do.

Pulis : Bu bu but THAT’S what we do anyway!!!

Stoke footmauler Ryan Shawcross gazes emptily into the camera

Ryan Shawcross, smiling assassin

Wenger : Oops, I thought it would be easier to show how your game suits the NFL than the Premier League.

Pulis : For the last time Wenger, how do you pass?

Wenger : Tony Tony Tony, you need brains to pass the ball. Hmmm…why don’t you start with telling your guys to kick the ball instead of the player?

Pulis : I did tell them!!! I told them to kick the balls.

Wenger : *sigh* tell them to kick the FOOTBALL Tony.

Pulis : Is that what that round thing is on the ground for? *scratches his head*

Shawcross : Mama, are we at the Barbie store yet?

Wenger : *shocked at Shawcross’s behaviour* Tony, Have you ever had an IQ test as part of your medicals?

Pulis : IQ? Aye. Queues are unmanageable.

AmericanFootballGuy : And I thought we were the ones with mangled brains.

Wenger : You’d be surprised.

Pulis : Ok, So I’ll get them all in a queue. Then what?

Wenger : *throws water bottle on the floor and stamps on it*

Tony Pulis receiving an honoury degree in Rugby management

Tony Pulis, wearer of hats

Ramsey : Boss, this is a lost cause.

Pulis : AHA!!!!! We WON!!!!! Comeon Ryan, let’s go train some more in our own wrestling cage. This grass gives me the hippity dippies.

Shawcross : whaaa??? It wasn’t me mama!!! I really didn’t mean it!

Needless to say, this conversation left a deep and indelible emotional scar on AmericanFootballGuy and me. He went back to the US where at least you had protective gear. As for me, I returned back to India. Poisonous snakes were a lot less dangerous.

Meanwhile the FA has decided to clear Sir Alex Ferguson of all charges. We are yet to determine why he was charged by the FA. Or what those charges were. And why did they waste time and money since he gets away anyway? Then I realized, since he was knighted, he gets everything his way. Even referees or penalties. Well fancy that.

Context :

I got married about a year ago and was explaining to my wife the rules of football on my EA Sports FIFA 12 game on my PS3 (it really works guys. She even got the offside rule!!!) when I was describing every team in the Premier League.
When I came to Stoke, the only description I could find was ‘they just kick the ball and kick other players out of the way’.
So it’s some sort of divine intervention that my first article should be written a few days after we went old school on them (1-Nil to the Arsenal FTW!).

This article, of course, is pure satire. Though I’d like to think someone at Stoke might seriously want to teach Tony Pulis how Football is supposed to be played.

Featured image by flickr user robEagle.

Part time geek, full time gooner, meal time spurs, chelsea, utd & city baiter.
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