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Sepp Blatter’s diary

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he following may or may not be excerpts from the diary of FIFA kingpin Sepp Blatter, in the week that shocked world football.

Tuesday 26th May

Tough day. Putting the finishing touches to our annual Zürich conference. Had a good dinner with Jack and Eugenio where we discussed business and our favourite Swiss bank foyers. Had a glass of wine before heading upstairs where I opened yet another present from my new Qatari friends. I get into my silk jam jams and get a rare early night.

Wednesday 27th May

I’ve had better wake up calls it must be said. I had planned on having a lie in but I heard an almighty ruckus outside my room. I poked my head outside to see what all the fuss was. I saw several American lawmen handcuffing my boys and throwing linen sheets on their heads. They don’t deserve to be treated like that. One of the men walked over to me and asked my name to which I responded “Sir, I am the great French actor Gérard Depardieu, kindly remove your extradition order from my gorgeous face.” He puffed his cheeks and walked away. I shut my hotel room door and hid under the bed until 1pm. I recited a statement while I was under there and emailed it to my spokesman, Walter De Gregorio. I told him to tell the truth… that we welcome any investigation and that we are an esteemed and moral organisation that focuses on the passion of football and not our own interests. I then had a shower, purchased Ru Paul’s Drag Race Season 5 off the iTunes using my FIFA Platinum credit card. Those strange ladymen don’t get abused the way I do. They should spend a day in my shoes but I assume they would prefer heels. Hahaha! I’m going to use that one tomorrow in the press conference.

Thursday 28th May

I was supposed to be attending a medical meeting in the morning but I backed out so they could get on with business. Instead I read the papers and saw that everyone was calling me nasty names. That made me angry so I got dressed and decided that I would make an appearance. I went in the side entrance as there were too many supporters at the front that wanted to cheer me inside. The conference itself was quite boring, I played Angry Birds through most of it. People still play that, don’t they?

Friday 29th May

Today’s the day of the presidential vote. I make my calls to the various organisations stating why they should believe in me and my principles. A lot of them seemed scared of what I would do to them if they voted for Prince Ali. I told them they are free to vote for whomever they want – I made a note of those scared countries just in case. I make my way to the conference and give a rousing speech. The votes are cast and I win the first round but not by enough to win outright. I speak with Prince Ali and offer him a chance to leave with dignity, which he accepts. Ali stands down as a nominee. I WON! I can’t believe it! I get applauded on stage by my friends and recite an old speech I gave last time. What a day! I’m so happy.

Saturday 30th May

FIFA president / comedy super-villain BlatterMassive hangover. I eventually get up at 3pm for a meeting with some of the participants in this Summer’s Women’s World Cup. They are very pretty and have nice bottoms. I don’t tell them that but I sneak a peek as they sign a football that will get auctioned off for charity.

Sunday 31st May

David Gill rang me today to say that he’s resigning as Vice President. These Brits are so dramatic, anything that doesn’t go their way, they get their knickers in a twist. He can leave for all I care. He threatens that he will try to get UEFA to boycott any future World Cups but I don’t believe him. UEFA is like Diet Coke…it’s full of goodness, causes weight loss, but ultimately you just wish you had the real thing.

Monday 1st June

The media don’t seem to have found anything to talk about apart from the corruption nonsense. It’s exhausting. Why can’t they all just go away. They seem to be whispering about a $10 million payment that Jérôme Valcke authorised and a potential bribe scandal but I don’t see the connection. He simply accepted money in return for a favour. The sponsors of our tournaments are getting upset, I don’t understand why though, as they slide envelopes under my hotel room door most days, some of which have money in them which is strange as it’s not my birthday. I keep the money anyway, it’s always handy to have in case I get stopped in the street by one of those guys asking me to help the homeless.

Tuesday 2nd June

Woke up quite tired today. All this extradition mumbo jumbo is rather irritating. I’ve been the boss of football for over twenty years now and maybe it’s time for someone else to realise what a ball-ache it is. Besides, I can still give my opinions and I’m sure I would be welcome in any future conferences. I’ve given all my time and energy to this job and now I should concentrate on me. I haven’t even seen Mad Max Fury Road yet for Christ’s sake! Some of my accused colleagues have been assured by the F.B.I that they will show it on the flight to the U.S.

*Sepp, this article is obviously satirical, please don’t even think about suing us when you get out of prison are completely exonerated.

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